In an unexpected moment of good fortune that could only be described as kismet…
…all Teddy Bears were released from their long incarceration and returned to their rightful owners. Children in Hollywood as well as busy studio executives rejoiced as cabinets, safes, and safe-deposit boxes in banks were opened and the Teddies emerged largely unscathed from their long and unprecedented incarceration.
Some executives were seen this morning furiously digging up their back yards to gain theTeddies they had hidden underground because their wives kept giving the Teddies back to their children. The Executives carefully avoided digging up the bodies and illicit gains they had secured there.
A studio executive who asked not to be identified stated, “The bears were initially hidden away so Ed wouldn’t find out about them. How were we to know he already knew?”
Lady Gaga was the first to blow this wide open when she said, “Dad! Ed already knows about this… he just blogged about this in his post about Aunt Mary’s (edit-“Mom’s” 1-10-1017) ugly green dress! By the way…he wants to know if anyone has a picture of her in that dress without her underwear and he also wants to see the photo of Marlon and Wally.”
All Teddy Bears were simultaneously released and sales of Teddy Bears in Los Angeles went through the roof when some Teddies could not be found or had been permanently destroyed in moldy graves. The sad owners were told that, “Teddy must have gone to the farm”.
Little children who’ve never had a Teddy because they were born after “The Great Teddy Bear Ban” were taken to stores by their Grandmothers or Au Peres, their mothers being too busy running the world and doing “some fun stuff” and bought brand new Teddies of their own.
“Star Toys” in Brentwood Village was offering 2 for 1 specials on Bears and 10% off any trade-in of some other transitional object like Mr. Floppy. The trade-ins would be donated to area homeless shelters where grateful residents were quoted as saying, “What the f–k is wrong with white people?”
Attempts to block the egress of Lindsay to the toy stores before she could corner the market on Teddies and sell them at a huge profit failed when she sent off her flying monkeys to just purloin them. Back at her home she arranged the all the Teddies on the floor in her bedroom and performed an old night club act for them. She then made them sit through a director’s cut of “Mean Girls”. Any Teddy who refused to watch the film was stuck in the closet and told they would not get any dinner. Staff in Lindsay’s house were later grilled by Lindsay saying, “How did Ed find out about the show?” “Which one of you told him?” She then quickly stuck all the Teddies in the closet except for one who she confided to saying, “You’re my bestest friend!” She then made the bear watch her in, “Fully Loaded” while she teased him by showing him her underwear collection.
Bears sold normally have to be of the same size, shape and color to elimate any appearance of differences in wealth and social class (but really who are we kidding) however with these unprecedented sales the smaller, standard sized, “classless” bears sold out quickly.
“The Foundation for the Preservation of Transitional Objects” for the first time in history allowed the sale of Teddies of different sizes, colors and shapes to meet this demand with the exception of “Deady Bears”. They were quoted as saying, “We just don’t like the damn things, they’re creepy! We also don’t want anyone to associate our beloved Teddies with the use of lysergic acid.” They added, “Can you also explain to us wtf was Jerry thinking when he made “Blues for Allah”?
Though people were told not to use the Teddies as hostages or for purposes of extortion, some jewelry stores were open through the night packed with busy studio executives pleading with their wives to, “pick out whatever you want and as much as you want just give me back Teddy!!!” The women were quoted as saying, “Sorry, that’s just how we do things here. We think they got off easy.” Some busy studios executives had to agree to be used in special ceremonies in order to get their Teddies back.
Teddy Roosevelt, the name sake of Teddy Bears, could not reached for comment however his progeny at the studios responded by saying, “Eff you Ed!”, “Eff you and we hope you die!”
Have a great day!!!!