As a result of the newly celebrated Thanksgiving Holiday homeless shelters virtually emptied out except for a few shut-in recluses and a paranoid schizophrenic who insisted this was a secret plot by the new head of The NWO to control the masses by feeding them hormone and tryptophan laden turkey in order to put them into deep hypnotic states and subject them to unprecedented mind control that the MKUltra movement could only dream of…bitch. (Remember, never end a sentence with a preposition.)
The shelters remained 20% under capacity for the first few days after the holiday then burgeoned beyond capacity when the word got out that starlets were showing up at the shelter, cleaning them up and taking them home ostensibly to do kitchen work, and join in a festive meal which they did after the drugs wore off and they were untied. The homeless awoken to find pools of wax on their bodies and a body part that looked like it had been in a Brillo ad. The starlets blamed the hormones in the turkey and a guy named Ed for the fiasco until the homeless realized they hadn’t eaten yet. After the festive meal the starlets convinced the homeless that they were unskilled at tying knots by doing a demonstration that would make a boy scout jealous and a seaman blush. The starlet (ok, it was mostly one gal) then showed a video a masked gent resembling the homeless man to prove to him that it could not have been him while her husband greatly comforted the man in ways a wife or a fresh warm apple pie.
The upgraded homeless shelter now called, “The Homeless Agency” raised additional funds by getting a fat commission, upwards of the 20-25% (maximum allowable by the screen actors guild), and selling tickets to the starlets’ boudoir.
The bonanza came to a virtually screeching halt when the homeless already rubbed raw began to seek additional remuneration quoting SAG guidelines, “Commision is payable only when the employment contract provides for overscale residual payments. Agent may commission 1st and 2nd rerun if original employment is overscale, and residuals check is more than $100. Commissionable if over scale residual; otherwise known as the Gilligan’s Island clause or the, “Werner promised me Maryann and Ginger were going to be here, though Lovey did give me a handy so there is that”…clause.
Some of the homeless actors began to be recognized as actually actors which put a damper on the Cinema Verite. Matt Damon got outed soon after starting a scene which then turned into a tickle movie where they engendered to tickle him until he urinated on set. This lasted about 40 minutes until he begged them to stop and began quoting from Dziga Vertov. The urine was collected and sold to benefit the Joshua House and the National Association for Incontinence. Joshua House plans on using the extra funds to raise their online rating from 3 to 5 stars. Matt has gone on to star in Bourne Incontinent and represent a new brand of Huggies for adults.
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