As a result of the newly celebrated Thanksgiving Holiday homeless shelters virtually emptied out except for a few shut-in recluses and a paranoid schizophrenic who insisted this was a secret plot by the new head of The NWO to control the masses by feeding them hormone and tryptophan laden turkey in order to put them into deep hypnotic states and subject them to unprecedented mind control that the MKUltra movement could only dream of…bitch. (Remember, never end a sentence with a preposition.)

The shelters remained 20% under capacity for the first few days after the holiday then burgeoned beyond capacity when the word got out that starlets were showing up at the shelter, cleaning them up and taking them home ostensibly to do kitchen work, and join in a festive meal which they did after the drugs wore off and they were untied. The homeless awoken to find pools of wax on their bodies and a body part that looked like it had been in a Brillo ad. The starlets blamed the hormones in the turkey and a guy named Ed for the fiasco until the homeless realized they hadn’t eaten yet. After the festive meal the starlets convinced the homeless that they were unskilled at tying knots by doing a demonstration that would make a boy scout jealous and a seaman blush. The starlet (ok, it was mostly one gal) then showed a video a masked gent resembling the homeless man to prove to him that it could not have been him while her husband greatly comforted the man in ways a wife or a fresh warm apple pie.

The upgraded homeless shelter now called, “The Homeless Agency” raised additional funds by getting a fat commission, upwards of the 20-25% (maximum allowable by the screen actors guild), and selling tickets to the starlets’ boudoir.

The bonanza came to a virtually screeching halt when the homeless already rubbed raw began to seek additional remuneration quoting SAG guidelines, “Commision is payable only when the employment contract provides for overscale residual payments. Agent may commission 1st and 2nd rerun if original employment is overscale, and residuals check is more than $100. Commissionable if over scale residual; otherwise known as the Gilligan’s Island clause or the, “Werner promised me Maryann and Ginger were going to be here, though Lovey did give me a handy so there is that”…clause.

Some of the homeless actors began to be recognized as actually actors which put a damper on the Cinema Verite. Matt Damon got outed soon after starting a scene which then turned into a tickle movie where they engendered to tickle him until he urinated on set. This lasted about 40 minutes until he begged them to stop and began quoting from Dziga Vertov. The urine was collected and sold to benefit the Joshua House and the National Association for Incontinence. Joshua House plans on using the extra funds to raise their online rating from 3 to 5 stars. Matt has gone on to star in Bourne Incontinent and represent a new brand of Huggies for adults.

Grateful residents of Hollywood with limited time for preparation and wonder and goodness in their hearts returned to the homeless shelters and employed or invited residents of the shelter to their thanksgiving feast. We needed help and wanted to share the abundance we had. The homeless were grateful for food and the opportunity but mostly for the warmth the people of the good city provided to them; the sense of humanity and oneness with each other. Hopefulness, gratitude and love filled the city along with warmth and sharing.

Some of the homeless were noted to be really cute once they cleaned up and time was spent filling other long forgotten needs. Hope reigned supreme in the city.

Preparation for the now joyously restored holiday continues to take place with turkey prices rising dramatically on the commodities market. “This was totally unexpected,” one commodities trader said,”We all took short positions and now we’re eating crow,” “Literally we are eating crow…you can’t find a turkey anywhere!”

Homeless shelters ran out of turkeys during the middle of the night with housewives and househusbands going back to the shelters after donating the free turkeys they got for spending $200 at Ralph’s on Sunset Blvd. Turkeys were bought back from the shelters initially for $100 a piece until one resident of shelter, a former commodities trader,  realized that they were in the beginnings of a turkey trading bubble and advised the shelter administrators to keep raising the prices of the turkeys until the prices were unsustainable citing rules of “supply and demand”. Prices continued to rise through the night until the final turkey was sold for $18,400 to a major Hollywood star. One homeless shelter resident was quoted as saying, “If this guy can make millions on a film about a volleyball, we can at least get what he sold the dang thing for.”

Moneys raised by the homeless in Hollywood in the sale of Turkeys exceeded everyone’s wildest expectations and were used to pay for a new homeless shelter and provide quality medical, psychiatric and addiction care for all the homeless in the Greater Los Angeles area. One homeless shelter resident was quoted as saying, “Hey…who knew doctors could help you out of your addiction!”

The homeless now without turkeys but flush with money made reservations at Morton’s Steak House and other fine restaurants. Wearing the fineries traded by employees of the movie industry for turkeys, some were hired as Maitre D’s and other restaurant workers when recognized they were in fact some of the homeless seen on Wilshire Blvd. One employee of “The Palm Los Angeles,” was quoted as saying, “Those guys clean up really good!! It’s an employer’s dream! Most of those homeless were aspiring actors anyway so they’re really familiar with restaurant work!”

Homeless shelters emptied out with recently hired residents moving into nearby studio apartments and the upgrades in medical care restoring people to employability. Long standing residents of Los Angeles were quoted as saying, “Hey…if we can dramatically improved the health care of the homeless maybe we can do the same for ourselves!”

Reality check…people are really enraged with my previous post In a couple of hours the secular holiday of Thanksgiving will start. For most it is a wonderful occasion to get together with family, friends, extended family, and future friends. It’s relatively low pressure holiday, it requires about a week or two of preparation for the hosting family and for a holiday is relatively low cost for most…some poultry, and some sides. Special efforts are made for vegans and vegetarians to have a replacement dish for the poultry. I saw some fake lemon chicken in the fridge though why they couldn’t make fake lemon turkey I don’t know.

Life changes, people change, times change and holidays do change. Chanukah was a celebration of a Hebrew battle victory. It now celebrates a fairly minor miracle of a small bottle of oil lasting 8 days…not exactly Moses parting the Red Sea. Christmas was the holiday of the birth of the Messiah.,, many still celebrate it as such.

In part the holiday of Thanksgiving celebrates the Harvest. Along with it is a story of cooperation between European settlers and Native Americans which leaves out a larger more troubling issue that occurred. The story has become a fairy tale we tell our children while…

As I tell this I realize how enraged people are with me and my previous post from Seinfeld. I’m guess the evening before Thanksgiving is a solemn day and I have the appearance of making light of it…my ignorance is vast.

I have encountered a troubling issue here which is far bigger than myself and I don’t have a solution, Earth borne issues are seldom solved from pink clouds.

As part of a greater culture we subsume the culture we exist in. Can the holiday be changed sufficiently to celebrate great tenets like the earth, the harvest, the rain and a truer lesson of mutual cooperation?

I hate to give up the holiday. My family has gotten together for years in celebration for years…but celebrating what? An ear of corn hanging on the door? It’s not like the holiday of Passover where we literally spend hours discussing every aspect of the Exodus and the representation of each crumb of Matzoh laying on the table. In all the years we celebrating Thanksgiving I can only once remember discussing the origins of the holiday…only once…but what is clear is it was a holiday of family and cheer and abundance and I again hate to give it up.

At one point in this story my host family made disclosures about themselves and without issue I agreed to make major changes in some of my external defining characteristics. Not that it would have been a deal breaker but I would have had a really hard time giving up Thanksgiving.

I think the holiday could be better managed to maintain the respect to the true events of the time, maintain integration into the greater culture and again celebrate the goodness of the earth and it’s abundance during the  harvest which is in fact a tenet of virtually all religions.

Humblest apologies to those toes I’ve step on and a greater thanks to all those who’ve patient with me.

Ed

text unchecked for errors

Answering questions

1. 1. This is not a celebration of the wholesale slaughter of millions of people. It’s a secular holiday and I don’t know anyone who has celebrated this.
   2. Is it sacrilege to at least explore this topic? My point is that whereas there is a terrible story, the holiday as it’s been sold and practiced does not reflect this.
   3. Who am I to question this? The holiday in my household and the people in my community has always been festive without negative connotation of any sort. It’s been a time of family and friends and mostly food. I believe the holiday has been portrayed to represent good things. this is the holiday we celebrated. No one celebrated death and destruction…we celebrated the fairy tale.
   4. I’m hearing people are understanding some of this…it’s just difficult to make a major change…
   5. I’m happy with open discussion
   6. What do I want? At the end of the day I truly love turkey…I love it baked fried, scrambled with eggs, mixed with the mashed potatoes and corn into a soup from that roasted chicken place that went out of business (Boston Market), i love it left overed, i love the skin fried into turkey skin bacon…and so forth. I love the family the food and the whole notion, true or not, that people could get along and share this world in abundance. We know this can be true but it is often not. Can the holiday reflect better values and a hope for the future?
   7. In all cultures good people have rescued and helped others irrespective of race, creed religion and other “values”. Animals practice these behaviors too. Could this be a better tool for learning tolerance in our society? and still maintain the honor of the true events of the time?

I was excited to see that Matthew McConaughey was already on this, getting ahead of the curve advertising turkey like he does beef…turns out it was Wild Turkey Bourbon.

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Happy Festivus… for the Rest of Us!

“Happy Festivus” is the traditional greeting of Festivus, a holiday featured in the Season 9 episode of Seinfeld named “The Strike“, which first aired on December 18, 1997. Since then, many people have been inspired by this zany, offbeat Seinfeld holiday and now celebrate Festivus as any other holiday.

According to the Seinfeld model, Festivus is celebrated on December 23rd. However many people celebrate it other times in December and even at other times throughout the year.

The slogan of Festivus is “A Festivus for the rest of us!” The usual holiday tradition of a tree is manifested in an unadorned aluminum pole, which is in direct contrast to normal holiday materialism. Those attending Festivus may also participate in the “Airing of Grievances” which is an opportunity to tell others how they have disappointed you in the past year, followed by a Festivus dinner, and then completed by the “Feats of Strength” where the head of the household must be pinned. All of these traditions are based upon the events in the Seinfeld episode, Strangely enough, our Festivus traditions also have roots that pre-date Seinfeld, as it began in the household of Dan O’Keefe, a television writer who is credited for writing the Seinfeld episode.

I’ll begin to post who I’ve seen, or who I think I’ve seen. If you gave me a random photo I probably could figure out who it is but I’m embarrassed by how many I miss but here goes:

Seen on 11/20/17 at Echelon Health and in the fall at Pittsburgh Football and quite an actress!

In case you don’t know what that is.