As people know I’m a physician. I do mostly psychiatry and addictions. I believe somewhere around 100 people visited my community, my gym, my house of worship and scheduled as patients prior to my trip to LA.
Here’s what I heard about me after the fact: I was really rude almost everywhere and I have lousy teeth. However, in my office, as a doctor 99 people out of the hundred found me to be pleasant, understanding and congenial…not rude at all….they liked me, though they felt my practice was over-priced and I should only charge $100/visit. People changed their minds when they saw what happened to me and the quality of care I encountered.
In my office I’m extremely professional…and I can’t help it. I work as best possible to strict rules and standards which has saved my butt over and over again. I make mistakes, but overall I was pleased to hear that of the 100 people who came in only one disliked my manner. I’ve talked with him a few times afterward and I’ve been a big fan of his for years…he’s very funny. When I was grilled about this I was impressed by the kindness people showed especially by Arnold. I told what I thought was a hysterically funny joke which no one get except for him but it took him a while. I said I rejected him because, “…alright I’ll tell you…he was wearing a white skirt after September,” which he was. The group was shocked that this reason was so inane as to be unreal which it was. He responded, “your right…I was wearing a white skirt.” Then he thought about it and said, “Wait it minute…it wasn’t after Sept…” He then laughed and exhaled some relief.” I apologized and offered to take him out for lunch and a blow job, well maybe just one of them. Here are some other highlights of people showing up in my office. FYI…I recognized only one person, possibly two if you count the fact that when Christie Brinkley came in I got dizzy and said to my staff, “She reminds me of Christie Brinkley…she makes me dizzy!” She was so magnificent I wanted to take her back to my office and chat with her. She came in as a salesperson but I can’t remember for what. I didn’t bring her back with me, which I sometimes do with the sales people because I felt it would be a distraction and I couldn’t justify it. I’m generally extremely careful about not letting beautiful women distract me. My thinking generally is that nothing good will come of this. The only woman I positively identified though I only heard it in my head and didn’t pursue it anyway was Abigail Breslin. I heard in my head when she came in with her brother, “Little Miss Sunshine.” I had recently viewed a lot of pictures of her and she looked just like the photos. It didn’t hurt that I had a bit of a crush on her plus Little Miss Sunshine was a great film though she didn’t look anything like herself as a kid. The people who arranged the pairs to come in were smart and new I couldn’t resist a shapely ankle so the ladies would be sitting and the guy would face away and only turn once I saw the lady. Abigail’s brother did that and Charles did that when he came in with Martha.
I think the funniest two people to come in were Ron and Cheryl. I walked into the waiting room and they were there. I looked at them and could not figure out which one of them was the patient. The looked a bit excited and befuddled so I smiled and with that smile on my face asked, “Ok…which one of you is the patient?” And you know what they did? They each pointed at the other!!! Finally Ron said, “She is,” and Cheryl hid her eyes and said, “Oh yes…oh yes.” They came into my office and Cheryl put down her head on my desk and told her story which I can’t remember.”
I had a lot of young people coming in, college age and having some vague complaints. I deal with a lot of serious mental disorders most of these people just don’t cut and I’d let them know that I really don’t find that much wrong with them and I’d suggest some counseling and they didn’t need my services. None of them had any serious disorders that required my expertise. I’m uneven with counseling and there are people very skilled with it. I don’t try to milk a patient and if someone needs to come back more often I reduce fees or don’t charge them at all. I had so many people coming in with the same story I even commented on to one patient. If this was a college town I could have understood it but I guess it was a little suspicious.
Gay issues came up a bit. I’m from NY and had a practice in the East Village so I’m pretty non-plussed around gays and transgenders and whatever. To me it’s kind of like, “Who cares?”and I really don’t. I believe Reed came in with an issue as such which I thought would respond best to counseling. He wasn’t presenting with any significant mental disorder. I told him he was a good looking guy and should look to get into a relationship with some nice fellow. I think people were concerned that I would belittle the person, or judge or look down on them even after they left…but I don’t. They came in, paid me and are entitled to my best work, as best possible in a way that is supportive and the least judgmental as possible.
Greg came in a few times and I don’t remember the exact complaint but I would forget from visit to visit that he was gay. One day he brought his lover in, Elvis, whether they’re actual lovers or not I have no clue but all I could think was these were two really good looking guys. This was probably a judgment but I was thinking that here’s two less guys for the ladies to date in a shrinking pool of eligible men. Gay issues came up and I supported their lifestyle though frankly I generally don’t much how people live their lifestyles and I try to help people get through their issues with their paramours. I guess the ones who uncomfortable in some way with own identity I would send for counseling… it’s just too involved for my practice and counseling is needed.
By the way…I warned my staff that curiosity seekers would be coming through and people I pissed off, so I warned them about Christie, Shatner, Ron, Cheryl and a few other who in fact did show up.
Here’s where things got unusual. I’m very respectful of the patients though lately the federales have been sending in people who are trying to climb out of their own hells by climbing on my back. I’m called a hot-head by them, but with good reason. One of these guys asked me, “Ed can’t you let us win just one?” If I let you it’s not a win…idiot! This is what I have to deal with. They listen in on every session through my phone and I had to disconnect Alexa who was doing nothing but spying on me.
Anyway, my staff told me this guy was coming in… a professional… who was the guy who was taking into his home substance abusing women who earned money by selling their very personal wares. It seemed like a noble cause but some of the story didn’t hold up. Somewhere in here I think I got confused and I believe I may have had two men doing this. The man, came in at first with a very beautiful lady, in her twenties, I believe it was Paige. She was representing herself as Lady of the Evening. I provided treatment for her. I believe he waited in the lobby while I saw her. Then on this particular day he showed up with the same lady but he also brought another one who he was also taking care of. He wanted to sit in with the two women but the interview was only for the new gal. I asked her a lot of questions and she sat timidly, spoke in a quiet voice and shook. I wanted to look into her eyes. She hadn’t looked up at me at all and I asked her if she could look up at me. She said she couldn’t. I told her that I have to look her in the eyes and if she didn’t I would undress her and spank her! No I didn’t say that!! I told her if she couldn’t look me in eye I couldn’t give her any medication, which was true. I’ve always made it a point to look my patients in the eye, it gives me all the information I need. I told her she only had to do it once…big mistake on my part. The last time I can remember running into Bryce she took my breath away as well. She looked me in the eye and my heart skipped a beat. She wasn’t timid at all when she looked, she was powerful and strong with a touch of hope and query. She looked for about three seconds then looked back down and shook. This is where professionalism comes into play…or stupidity. Her eyes were the most beautiful and crystal clear I had ever seen…and more than anything I wanted to see them again but I had told her she only had to look up once, and I generally keep my word with the patients. I wanted to come around the desk and look her in the eyes again. more than anything I wanted to ask her, “Would you do me a favor and show me your eyes again? But I didn’t do any of that. I completed the session and walked them out. I remember clear as day walking behind these two beautiful women whose stories only minimally added up and admiring how perfectly their jeans fit on them. Like they had just been freshly pressed or brand new off the store shelf and I don’t believe they wore belts with them. It was incongruous that these ladies were streetwalkers, way too healthy, way too nourished and way to beautiful. I saw Bryce and Paige once at a karate demonstration with Mr. Bobby, “Here are two girls from…another school,” and I remember again how freshly pressed and perfectly fit Bryce’s uniform was, I’m sure Paige’s was as well who is as magnificent a woman as is her sister.
This may be the only time I’ve regretted my professionalism but who knows how this may have turned out if I had. This was part of a vetting process which apparently I passed despite a few conflicts. I’ve discussed Melanie and Clint before. I was sure if Clint showed up I’d recognize him…not!! Melanie desperately hated me because of the conflict I got into with her father. She came in with Clint and she was teary eyed and shaking and looking at me with hate, she wanted to kill me. Clint did all the talking and I’d look at him then her, then him, then her. The time I spent looking at her gradually increased until I stopped looking at him and just looked at her. I was thinking, “Is this about me or does she hate all psychiatrists? Then I thought about the corrupt DEA agent in, “Leon. The Professional” who said to Matilda something like, “What piece of shit thing did I do to have you want to come in and kill me?” Matilda responded, “You killed my brother.” I guess she picked up my thoughts because I told her whatever it was I did to you I’m truly sorry and again I wanted to cross over to the other side of the desk and hug her because I was truly sorry. They eventually left but Melanie had warmed up a bit. At one point we were looking at each other and things became sort of OK. I don’t think she saw me as such a monster. She would have been one of the 100 people who saw me as favorable in the office. I hadn’t considered this before but it’s nice to know this because she could have just as easily said incongruous things about me. From the film Forest Gump, “I guess ‘she’ made ‘her’ peace with God,” for which I am truly grateful.
Tom Hanks came through and I sat with him but I think he spent the whole time studying me as sort of science project or person who didn’t add up. I don’t think I was anything like he envisioned and he was having a hard time piecing this together. I got a lot of that and I still do, “This is the guy?” I can’t remember if he was with someone.
Lady Gaga showed up in the office, I believe for two visits she was absolutely the cutest thing I had ever seen. I asked her about that and she said she’d heard it before. She stomped out on the second visit as I recall because I ended it early because I thought she was going to climb over my desk to get at me. What I didn’t know was that the Howard’s were assigned to try and get rid of me from my JCC because I had discovered that it was being used as an undercover federal training facility and a bunch of shysters were skimming all of the moneys that were supposed to support their presence. The staff were overstaffing themselves at our expense and it only got worse from there. I calculated that the price of a yearly membership was inflated by at least 10% and more likely with all the other shenanigans going on closer to 30%. That meant a lot of people could not enjoy the use of the facility for economic reasons, pure gonuvim. Anyway the girls were assigned to sexually harass me. I was the enemy their and one of them writhed on the floor in front of me, another stuck her butt and bosom in my face, close, not actually touching but the most interesting was Lady Gaga who did jumping jacks on the second floor while I was jogging. I would go anywhere near her and I did my best to ignore them but Lady Ga was impossible to ignore. One of the other gals on the staff also joined in by wearing a wife-beater with Micky Mouse on it and pointing her tits at me. It took me a while to figure out this wasn’t a random act and was intentionally the most cruel of all as my family had been in the holocaust and whoever instructed her to do so new of my documentaries about WWII, but I knew she didn’t understand what she was doing. Here’s where things got really interesting especially for Lady Gaga and the T-shirt gal, probably a bunch of others…
I was tired of being the enemy there, I was hated by all and they wanted me gone but I knew my intentions overall were pure and good. I was doing standing meditation there for a while and decided if I was going to change the place I had to change my energy and have the people there align with me. I basically ran pure love and heart energy and turned the place into a place of love and kindness and healing. Nobody could really tolerate this and people changed. They didn’t see me as the enemy or a monster anymore. They became curious and wanted to know more about me. Their opinions changed about me, and for many their hearts opened and connected to mine. The gal with the t-shirt thought of me in beautiful ways and was concerned about me. If I ran the energy she’d have to leave because it was affecting her ability to work. She couldn’t be mean to me anymore and we’d think about each other as my heart was open to her. When I started meditating after that they’d have all the agents leave the room because they were all mostly affected. The gal with the t-shirt when it first happened wound up talking with two of ladies, one was Gaga, and told them what happened and they provided support but Gaga was caught in the crossfire and complained to me, “I was there!!” While hanging in the Howard basement I had grown close to two of the daughters but Gaga wasn’t there and I hadn’t developed the same kind of connection with her as the other two daughters, as well as their folks, who we shared a lot of good, difficult and unbelievable experiences with. It was a complaint on her part…I was there!!! Hence her anger and stomping out when I ended a session early because I got the sense she wanted more which I could not give. We did grow closer, she also knew I was huge fan of her before I met her though she told me not to sing her songs anymore because I mangle them…then she insisted I stop stalking her online because I had found out some personal information about her. I asked her if she noticed that she was actually on my Facebook account and that I had no friends on that account…she was on my page…I was not on hers. I’m psychically connected and listening in and typing responses on my own page. How would you get access to my page. Then she said, “You mean we’re stalking you?” and she started laughing hysterically and couldn’t stop like she had just smoked a bone and was peaking. She laughed and laughed and kept repeating we’re stalking you. It was pretty funny. I got the same reaction from Scotland Yard when they took over electronic monitoring of my devices. One of the guys told me to leave after I was talking with some of their agents for a while. I told him to leave, I said just close my Facebook page and you won’t see me anymore. It was also pretty funny. The gal with the T-Shirt who I developed powerful feelings for eventually had to leave…as did some others.
Lady Gaga and the other gal would have sat there with the t-shirt lady and tried to help her through while having to deal with their own feelings and appearing sympathetic to her.
Kristin Chenoweth showed up in my office one day. She came in with two other people, at least one of whom was in treatment. They may have been a couple and asked if she could sit in which I agreed to. She has to be one of the funniest people on the planet and loves having a good time…almost all the time. She sat off to my left and kibitzed the whole time. I can’t remember anything about the session other than Kristin sitting there and telling jokes. I’d look over at her and decide whether I was going to ask her to leave but I thought that at some point in her past she had a pretty serious substance use issue and decided to let her stay in case she needed some help or was helping the others. I just remember looking over at her with incredulity and thinking, “I’m trying to help these people and this lady keeps cracking jokes kind of like the annoying orange. She also seemed to know where the line was and not to cross it but I think she’s the one who decides where the line is and then moves it to suit her needs and wants. Anyway, the gal was riot and I’ve watched her dress up like Dolly and dance and act with Carrie Underwood and Christina Applegate about a dozen times. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVs7VVv9HOc . Make that 13 times.
The next day:
Ron finally shut me down at about 2AM last night and sent everyone home. I lost some stuff which I’ll recreate at a later time. He must have gotten a sinus infection while in NJ.
